1. apprehension

    “What do you think of their new album?” she asked me over text.

    I shot back a positive response. 

    “I cried when I heard Apprehension. It reminded me of last year.” 

    I flipped through my library, trying to find the song. “What makes it remind you of last year?”

    The opening bars started and a sad voice began, “Finding out you had lost the little one inside you.” 

    I hit the end button on my phone frantically trying to stop the text from sending. I quickly responded, “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t place the song. I’m so sorry, friend.” 

    I didn’t mention that the only time I listened to the album was when I was already settled at my computer ready to write or talking to my husband. They were one of my favorite bands. I should know the lyrics by day four. Why the fuck didn’t you just stop for two seconds and listen to the song? I cursed myself using my maiden name, the equivalent of Peter calling himself Simon. 

    “Oh. When he talks about losing his child right at the beginning.” I could feel her disappointment and sheltered sadness. 

    The song wove around me, a blanket of sorrow, and I wanted to comfort my friend.

    “I’m so sorry,” I wrote again and again. 

    My friend responded kindly. “No, it’s okay. I’m okay now, he just wrote the song so convincingly. He’s one of my favorite songwriters.” 

    Our conversation went back to music, jobs, and baby weight. My friend told me of future plans and I blasted Apprehension through my headphones until I had the lyrics memorized. 

    My apprehension got the best of me.

  2. "What if you believed me? Everything is brilliant!"
    Manchester Orchestra. 

  3. “It gives me freedom,” she said. 

    “What does?” 

    “Hiding myself behind secrecy. It helps if no one knows where you’re going or when you’ll show up again. They get used to periodical absences. No one really cares after that point. They begin to expect you’ll return, silent as always, and life gets a lot easier.”

    “That’s a sad way to live.” 

    “Not if it’s a necessity.” 

  4. »  TrainWrite: Abandon Ship!

    trainwrite:

    by Howie Good


    1
    I get caught at a remote railroad crossing, nothing to do as the freight train crawls by me but think of Eichmann, whose task wasn’t just to obtain boxcars, but also to fill them with Jews.


    2
    The pill I take in the morning is supposed to help. You better? people ask….

  5. I have lived through this song. 

  6. I’m not a person to go through past memories, especially past memories that have been written out in emails, journals, and blogs. 

    Why start today? 

    and the feelings that scare(d) her bec(a)me her relief

  7. headlights

    “What do you think about?” he asked me. We sat quietly watching the stars slowly move over the hill and align in the night sky. 

    I wove a long piece of grass between my fingers without uprooting the life. 

    “Right now or in general?” I asked softly. I was having a hard time figuring out if I liked the probing question or if it annoyed me.

    “Both.” 

    The wind picked up moving the open patches of sand roots had not claimed as soil. A car drove by a few yards away. The headlights rounded the bend, but we were sheltered from the light by the hill. 

    He laid beside me. His left hand moved over everything around him. He lightly touched the tips of the weeds, stroked my thigh, and returned his hand to the ground. I sat up, my legs crossed.

    “I’m trying to figure out where all this beauty came from.” 

    He pushed himself onto his shoulder trying to see my face in the darkness. 

    “Fair enough. Any theories yet?” 

    I imagined touching the top of my head to my knees and rolling down the hill away from the whispered-loud tones that quieted the crickets and seemed to stop the breeze. 

    “No, not yet.” 

    His fingers reached for my neck, but he couldn’t reach from that position, so he fell back down onto his blanket of growth. 

    I knew if the headlights returned they would push me down the hill. 

  8. I should be asleep. I should be resting next to the warm body waiting for me to tuck myself into the covers and come to bed as I promised thirty minutes ago, but my mind is still moving and my body seems to be full of subdued energy, perfect for smoking another cigarette and blowing away flimsy, over-loaded thoughts. And music just tastes good right now and the sound of the crackle of a legitimate, illegal clove sounds gorgeous like the right pair of high heels striking marble and granite. My God, sometimes it’s just better to go outside for a few minutes. 

  9. "The only thing I feel is a desire to be somewhere else. So I let the train rock me into oblivion."
    Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games (via trainwrite)

About me

Every action tells a story.

Likes